Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
What kind of horses go out after dusk?
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Why can’t an idiot dial 911?
He can’t find the 11 on the phone!
What kind of flower is on your face?
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It’s making HEADLINES!
What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Short Story Jokes
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse’s back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground… catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden…..
George, the Wal-Mart greeter, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
Three men are captured by cannibals.
The cannibal leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed.
So they go into the jungle. The first man comes out and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits (apples) up his butt without wincing or making faces they would be freed. So the man shoves the first one up and then a second one except he winced so they killed him.
The second man comes in with berries. He’s all the way to 8 when he bursts out laughing and is killed.
In heaven the first man asks the second man “why did you burst out laughing you could of made it?”
The second man replies “I couldn’t help it I saw the third guy coming up with pineapples.”
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my cars, my home, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!’
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said….
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Know any funny jokes? Leave them in the comment box below. Thanks!